12:00 am
A few minutes after shutting her parent’s bedroom door with a smile, she tiptoed her way back. Pressing against the door, she listened like a bystander as her parents talked about her in a foreign, shaping her into the perfect daughter she knew she wasn’t. It’s a fragile description and one that she knew wasn’t truly hers. She’d performed her concert flawlessly, so the rest of her didn’t matter. Chills ran down her spine from the frigid night. She completely understood them even though hollowness was eating her whole. After all, they were just trying to live their own lives with dignity.
3:00 am
She closed her computer filled with homework tabs, and drowsiness washed over her like a wave. It’s true that she doesn’t have to try so hard, but it is heartbreaking to destroy someone else’s more perfect image of a person. Amongst her friends, she was always the “smart” one. The tall apartment buildings in the distance caught her eye. She wondered if, like her, the people living inside were unable to sleep. In silence, she wished them a good dream.
6:00 am
Her mother knocked and walked in, gently shaking the girl awake. That morning, she had spent 10 minutes in the bathroom after almost falling asleep thrice. Slapping some cold water on her already half-frozen face, she noticed that once a painful action becomes routine, it’s no longer as painful. Her mother scolded her for being late and the girl didn’t explain. She nodded and responded with a simple ‘I’m sorry.’ She had already learned that it was the best response to everything. There’s no point arguing.
9:00 am
Her first class of the day after orchestra practice was math. In the bathroom,pinching a bruise on her arm, she forced herself awake with relentlessness. After cleaning up, she returned to the classroom with a bright smile, sitting down once more as if nothing had happened. Lindsey tilted over to ask, “how did you do?” Before the girl could respond, her blond classmate had already moved on. The girl didn’t keep trying to speak. The blonde classmate’s dad owned a law firm, and all of her friends looked just like her, tall and very much blonde. They were quintessentially different. She was the ‘nicest’ of that clique, but that was that.
12:00 pm
Grabbing her yogurt off the counter, Emily tapped her on the shoulder and spoke immediately, “I heard you did well on your English. You have to help me. I’m literally so bad. I promise I’ll do your math homework for a week. Please!”
The girl responded with the same smile, “You don’t need to. I will definitely help you with your English. Send it over to me anytime, literally I have had no work lately. It’s been early bedtime everyday.” It was the convention to agree then lie a little, but she couldn’t help asking, “I haven’t seen you in a while. You’ve been busy?”
Emily didn’t look surprised at her question, “Oh god, you’re literally the best. Yes, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy! Rachel and I have been working on our project for a crazy long time, but we’ve wrapped up. You and I have to hang out soon.”
The girl wrinkled her eyes and smiled, “yes, definitely!” The feigned happiness was energy-draining and disappeared as soon as Emily turned away. She knew Emily wasn’t studying with Rachel, but there was no point in poking past the facade.
3:00 pm
The girl stepped out of her classroom. In the crowded hall, she was shoved from side to side, “I’m sorry.” She apologized again, but no one was listening. The white faces beside her traveled past and through her through the hallway as if she was utterly invisible. Amidst the bustling crowd, she was nothing but air, as if her yellow skin was one with the peeling wall.
Quickly recovering, she climbed up the stairs and knocked on the staff office, “I’m so sorry, Ms. Kris, but I wasn’t informed of the homework we had to complete. I had a concert and emailed you about my absence, but I don’t think you replied.”
Ms. Kris frowned and asked, “Are you sure? I remember you being there.”
The girl repeated, “I wasn’t in class yesterday.”
“Emily?” “That’s not me.” “Rachel? No?” “No.” “Oh gosh! The three of you just look the exact same.”
6:00 pm
“We’re different!”
The girl looked out of the foggy car window. As the car stopped before a red light, she saw Lindsey standing alone on the phone in the rainy dark. She frowned as she processed the sight. Her classmate was crying, shivering and saying something angrily at the phone in the middle of a messy street.
She pulled out her own phone and thought about texting her. But when she saw her last text message left on seen, she shut off her phone once more. Who did she think she was to help?
Her brother’s voice sounded again, “I am… just me. My sister and I are different people. You can’t give me these expectations. She’s a girl, and she’s smart, okay? I’m not!” Even if night had already fallen, she still saw his bloodshot eyes.
She gulped, plugged in her AirPods, and buried her head into her elbow. She still had three hours of music practice before she could do homework. Feelings take too much energy, especially when sleep feels like a distant dream.
9:00 pm
Like a robot drained of battery, she slumped in the piano seat with her eyes closed as her hands mechanically closed the book. Suddenly, the ringing phone shocked her out of her daze. She quickly picked up and walked to her room. She shut the door but left a little crevice so that she could hear her mother’s footsteps if she was to approach. Her mother hated the fact her friends would call her for so long.
In a croaky voice, Emily spoke through the phone, “I feel like dying.”
The girl reacted quickly, “I’m so sorry. What happened?”
“It’s just my parents and, you know, my English grade and stuff….”
The girl didn’t know what to say, so all she made out was, “I’m sorry,” over and over again. As she said, “you will get through this.” All that was in her head was Lindsey, drenched and alone.
Emily hung up thirty minutes into the call, leaving the girl alone to face silence.
12:00 am
Shutting off her computer, she closed her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again to head to the bathroom. When she passed her brother’s room on the way, she hesitated. She stopped and noticed how white the door seems to be compared to the dark corridor. Knocking, she didn’t wait for her brother to respond before opening the door.
As she expected, he wasn’t asleep. For a few seconds, they both stayed silent before the girl, as her mother would occasionally do, pulled him into a hug and whispered, “I–”
“I love you.”
That night, she had a good dream.